Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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