Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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