I hate your face
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Vodka?
Forever.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
