her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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