please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
