someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
