the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
