I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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