So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
