If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
