You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
