Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
