Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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