I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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