When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
