i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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