Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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