mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
