I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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