also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We don't watch enough power rangers
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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