I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize