Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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