Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize