i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
