Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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