wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i was born a porn star she said
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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