I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
