So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
