i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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