Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
two words: eviction party
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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