i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
