Already got asked if we're dating
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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