I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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