She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
