Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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