I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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