Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
