i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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