I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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