The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
