Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
