Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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