i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Randomize
