i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
