Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
