i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize