Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
