I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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