I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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