Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
