I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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