I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
