I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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