God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
