I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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