there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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