Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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